I am in charge. I control this whole divine collision. Me and me alone, not him. I control this whole process and, I have been letting fear run it instead. Now that I see what I have done, I know how to take charge back. I don’t let fear take control in any way.

I shut off the only way he stayed in contact with me. I broke the fear based pattern. If he wants to contact me, he has to do it my way. If he contacts me and I get excited and I feel like I need to answer him right away or he might think I am rude, or think he will lose interest and leave, I will not answer him. In fact, the more fearful I get about it, the more needy or desperate I get about it, the more I will hold off. I might wait a week, I might wait a month, I might not answer him at all. As long as there is fear in my reasons, I will not entertain it. I will not check my phone. I will not check my email. I will not check social media. I will not pine for him, or wish for him, or spend days fantasizing about him. I think I’ll go on more dates instead. I will take up a new dance class, or dye my hair, or get another tattoo. I might travel more. I am definitely going to shut my phone off at night so I don’t wonder if he might say hello.

He is my divine other. We are the same soul. We have always been one. Why should I need to feel rushed? That’s fear of losing him, trying to take control. He’s not going anywhere, and neither is yours.

I had to learn the hard way. I did the same thing for four years. Four solid years of the same back and forth game. He ignores me and I wait, and wait, and wait, anticipating his response. After some time passes, I forget, for a moment, about him, and I start to move on with my life, and that is when he contacts me. (They are our guide, our mirror as to what works and what doesn’t, so his actions here was a signal telling me that it is only when I am not obsessing on him, that it brings him close) I get excited and answer right away for fear he will ghost again for another few weeks. My neediness then pushes him away again for another few weeks, rinse and repeat.

The universe was telling me to stop doing it. When I asked what I should do instead, they sent out strong messages saying “literally anything but this”, and I still did not understand what they meant because, my fear was telling me that surely they don’t mean to walk away, surely they mean to hang on in some way, and so I did not listen and the pattern continued.

So here I am, breaking the pattern, and I am no longer afraid. As long as I hang on, he will push off, and the surprising thing I realized was that it really is me who has been doing this to myself the whole time. I have been in control of this, and I have been giving control to my fears instead, and like I have stated before, fear and love cannot live in the same house.

The good news is, that I am in control. I can take back my control at any time and no longer allow fear to run the show.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.