I’m realizing something about me. Some of it has no words but I am processing it more and more as time passes. When my son was taken. I got sick. Very sick. Losing my son caused some deep, emotional trauma. Later I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (whatever that means). When I found my son again, it was around the time I also met my divine counterpart. I went through some pretty strong PTSD, as all the memories of losing my son came flooding in, but… the fibromyalgia symptoms left me! I realized that it was the manifestation of the internal pain I had been keeping inside me. I felt that the combination of getting my son back and our process of connecting and bonding again, had provided the healing I needed. Meeting my twin flame and realizing who we were, was also very healing, and I felt I had a purpose and I was important in the bigger picture of life. Then he left, and when he did, I started feeling some of the fibromyalgia come back, but it was light at first, and I knew that now was the time to work on processing and transmuting the pain, fear, and other trauma. I realized that the trauma was me feeling #1. Unwanted/unloved and #2. Unworthy/not good enough… of being a mom and of being my twin’s partner/lover/twin.
I also realized that I still carry a negative internal critic with me. The more he stays away, the more I criticize myself. It is time I start working on my inner critic and stay vigilant on it.
I realized I have not been working on myself enough, and the result is that there are some negative stuff stuck inside. The longer he stays away and won’t talk to me, the deeper it digs, and I can see the pain and old programming I hold inside, that needs to be removed in order to make space for my heart to hold more love
Today almost all my fibromyalgia symptoms are back. It has not been this strong in many years, but I feel I can see what the cause is. Now to believe I am worthy, and to know I am worthy… is where the healing needs to take place.
What kind of tools do I need to heal this? For inner work, I think surrender, and being in the now moment is one. Also more inner child work, to love and accept me as far back as when I felt abandoned and unloved. For outer work, I need to get more involved with my son and daughter and create stronger, more loving bonds. I also need to work on my physical health, move more, get more fresh air, and accomplish something every day to feel my life is moving forward and to realize that I am strong.